Dear Diary

Important Things and People

Not long ago, I sent an FB greet to a group of old friends who had moved to Sg half a year ago. And since then they have become a stone thrown into the sea, after the ripples nothing is to be found or seen. I thought our friendship could have withstood longer than that. I know sometimes I had wronged them but it wouldn't have to be so bad till none of them replied. Maybe the only way to proof them wrong about my worth is by living a better life than theirs. (gritted teeth)

Recently the group of friends from FC has conquered another mountain, this time Bukit Tabur. I was very much tempted to join but ended up staying back and watching Pirates Of the Caribbean. I felt cheap. Like the old shoes I hold on dearly so much but were too worn out to wear. I felt angry of myself for drifting with the flow. I'm still single (FYI not married), I shouted daringly in my mind. Never again will I stop myself from doing anything because of a BF aka boss (although his intentions are good, it IS a highly hazardously rated peak). I wanted to go Taman Pertanian or Putrajaya in exchange but in the end, I couldn't wake up from my bed on Sunday morning. Sheesh

But I need to keep track of important things and people in my life. The people who loves me genuinely (I know who you are and I love you too although you'll get complaints if you hold on too tight). So that I won't overdo it or overlook it. The key is to balance. I'm always off balanced. Always in the middle of a pursue. Always in anxiety (thanks to my third cup of coffee per day). Always in an adrenalin rush. Always onto something. Couldn't stop if I really have too. Half of me is enjoying it, half of me is screaming in agony.

I'm not ready yet

Truth to tell, I'm not ready to be laid off in my part time job. The daycare has been facing conflicts among the stake holders and I am in the position of being sacrificed. Now that I'm going to be let off, I need to think of a backup plan. It's not like the end of the world or something, yet it is a worrisome issue at the back of my head.

Next is taking up Masters next year. The letter has come to my doorstep offering me a full time Masters degree at UPM starting 2012. I should be taking it but still, a lot has changed in a flash of a pan and I need the sparing income of my part time job, now thrown into the fire.

On the other hand, Peki asked me if I could lend him my house loan. That could consequently lead to the M word. I know I've been bringing up the subject as a desired thing for me in this relationship, but I have just started everything and the subject is not expected to be brought up till 2014 after my Masters and expedition. And that too, will lead me to be able to transfer school. Which is another BIG change for me as well.

As in Raleigh, I thought I could stop all the hecticness for a while, but a new task has just been offered to me which is to guide the new Charlie team in their PIWP. The Charlie team in this case is a very cool team by the way, I'm more than willing to help. But I've been overdoing it since last two months, I need a break from all that.

Now that all problems and changes are facing me into the face, I need to slaugter them one by one.

25 years more

It all seems a bliss for me, even when I hear the roaring of the rumors of the end of the world on this coming weekend. I would be somewhere in the middle of the tropical humid rainforest, digging a long-drop.

Today when I was telling the class of how ungrateful everyone of us can be to our mothers, I nearly burst into tears. Some kids caught my whimper.

I finished reading Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Part1 & 2, and I can feel the lump pressing up to rise. Such a wonderfully depicted story. The next book will be the third. Remembered, when I found the three books in Summit bookstore, I shrieked with joy.

I feel so down lately. Had been loathing FB as well. Loathed school, but promised myslf never to take up an MC again, no matter what mom tells. And I swear I will take up the world by storm. Live our lives to the fullest. I guess.

Happy Teacher's Day to Me！

I received a few pressies from my students, one moved me. A comic book which he drew that goes in motion. His present will remain in my possession for a long time. Anyway, I'm feeling bitter with the little amount of pressies that I get this year. :p I know it's a childish thing, but presents actually makes someone feel appreciated, you know? No, you don't know. I remember in Makta*b, the girls and I quietly compete with each other on everything, including beauty, presents, amount of points. But NOW it all seems pointless. I would like to celebrate my birthday sometimes with my loved ones too, and even get a piece of jewellery that I can show off, you know? Lol... everything is an extension of ego.

Anyways, this weekend I will be going to IW as a staff member. I hope I get there in time. Another thing to note is that on last Saturday, the star weekender decides to publish my IW press release into the newspaper. And the participantion picked up ever since. I feel like I did everything solo, so this time I'm trying to shun myself away from responsibilities.

Lately I saw a contest regarding "What's your Nestle Thrill". I'm going to produce a video using Peki's camera and my biggest wish is actually not the first prize, but the finalists' prize, which is Canon camera. Some effort will be put in this video. Stay tuned and wish me luck.

Hush Baby Hush

Seeing babies cooing and caaing in mothers' arms, I can't help but wish that I could go back to my childhood, where I could sleep away the days and not to worry about nothing else in the world but myself.

But I have to face the fact that eventually one day everyone will grow old. I am now working two jobs per day STRUGGLING to pay for the house, car and daily expenses, while my dear brother who is 5 years older than me is still living on my mother's pay, not only that, he wants to marry his girlfriend. With free cash flow into his pocket and plenty of time to spare, who doesn't want to get married and live happily with the support of his half-a-century old mother?

The story is easy. After months of waiting, my brother has gotten himself into MLM, a company that offers online business and income IF you work hard enough. Since then he has been working part time in the daycare center the same as mine. Seeing my brother this way, my mom forked out 2k to sustain his OMFMFOZG way of over-spending lifestyle on top of his regular 700 salary. He doesn't even have to pay for his car. Our household expenses are now left that 1k plus my 5oo per month to cater all his morning-play-in-the-house and night-eat-and-dine-out !@#$%&()_+_)#@!@#$&()_)(*&^$#@! MF exquisite livelihood. So now mom is short of cash and she has to borrow my savings for some nysterious investment, obviously prompted my brother.

IF I FOUND OUT THAT THEY ARE ON TO SOMEWHERE IN THE MOTHER FUCKING ONLINE BUSINESS OR SHITASS BUSINESS WHICH NOONE CARED ABOUT, I'M ABOUT TO MARRY SOMEONE AND TAKE FLIGHT OF THIS IDIOTIC FAMILY! I SWEAR TO GOAT!

A moment of truth

Love is easy to be said than to be done.

Yesterday I was wobbly and sickly but still determined to send all the badges out (all 8 packages of them). Peki came after servicing his car and he sent me to the nearest clinic. It took an hour just to wait for the after school traffic to subside and for the nurse to call my name in, but I think that's all it takes for me to see how much patience he has in store. The doctor is an ethical one, he prescribed the right meds.

Later we went to Tesco to mail the stuff. The post office was crowded. I tried to cut in to buy the envelopes, but he, the patient one took a number and waited silently. Seeing him, I guiltily fell into the line. When we've gotten all the envelopes, he wrote on all the 'senders' sheet a full copy of the house address.

We got home, I took some porridge and he started breaking the medicine pills into half. He then filled a cup of warm water and asked me to drink up and take the charcoal tablet. I then napped a bit and he set an alarm just to wake me up to take the remainder of the meds.

After sleeping for an hour, the alarm rang and he went downstairs to get the meds for me. He later fed me the meds while I was in bed, still woozy from the previous pill. I then slept for another hour knowing that I'm in good hands.

In the end of times like this, I wish I could savor every moment with him. Loving him and having him by my side when I need him is the most I could wish for, even when tomorrow might be the last day we're here on earth.

Spread myself too thin

I came across a phrase that my team mate used to describe me a while ago, and it strikes me.

The event went well,
the badge making charity fund a lot,
the PR thing now up-to-date 15 participants (looks like I have to make a plunge in this one),
UPSR registration still ongoing (but I took two days MC due to SEVERE diarrhea),
Daycare center still going good.

I have been taking a few days off within these few weeks and I wonder if that has anything to do with me spreading myself too thin. Thank goodness for Peki, who spent a day looking after me and running errands for me, I'm now at least good enough to sit upright without feeling any rumbling in the abdomen.

Life is tough, but when there's someone around to look out for you, life gets easier. :)