Dear Diary

I'm starting to feel my parents read my blog, or read my thoughts. Anyway, mom blurted out her discontentment and sarcasm: don't ask qing for money, she's broke. And i was like, wtf is that? Yay my mom is against me. Tqvm, i'll just let that one go. She must have been not in the right mind. She has so much influence on me sometimes. Sighz. I was depressed because my mom, aka hero or idol of my life had been depressed. Now she's against me for God knows why, and does this mean that I'm going to face some self-loathing issues later? This is madness, I must wipe it away. Alrrady I've sent a message asking hubby that if 'I'm ugly', omg what is this, like mother like daughter??

Anyways, walked into cotton on and bought two shirts, a clutch and a pair of shoes. My 'happy' mom would say, good for u, my 'sad, now-beaten' mom would say, i thought u don't have enought money. Lol now, a split personality.
Then i continued reading 'one day' after lunch, didn't finish it but tuned into pps to watch the movie. And it was a sad sad ending! Lol, what a spoiler!

Daily achievements: found more old clothes wearable. Trainer thanked me for my effort. Brother actually is on my side, the denggi must have shook him up. Forgives mom for what she said.

Went to school for dance practices, had lunch with colleague.

Counting accomplishments: couldn't find the right key to cabinet for costume, so i used screw drivers to open it. Smart hah. Summed up total participants that is joining the trip to penang by calling absensies one by one. Didn't get angry to a student who accidently threw a ball that knocked my head, confiscated it instead. Borrowed 9 books from library without worrying what others think about me. :)

Have a great day. Am going to finish and wrap up assignments tonight to hand in tmrw. This week will be working, next week enjoying. Yay. :)

Treasurehunt at sunway pyramid early in the morning. Didn't get a prize though. :) watched korean drama the 2nd time, really immersed and star struck, lol. Night, watched british movie with hubby. :p holidays. Aint gonna fret about anything. Counting accomplishments: got 5th place in treasurehunt. Had great conversation with friends, and gotten 7 hugs while coming and going back. Emotions cracked abit with hubby, but tried to patch it up at night. (Hubby's already immune to it. )

Maybe it is me who had did this to my children. But what is done, is done. They wanna be this way, let em. :) i'm aware that i'm in control of my emotions, did my best, the rest is up to the ultimate power. No need to waste my energy and life being angry.

Counting accomplishments. Had a session with the poor performance kids. Played checkers with them. Parents moved their car for me to leave the school compound. Sent housemate to airport smoothly. :)

Anyway, hubby mentioned a year leave globetrotting. Yeah, it may be heart breaking, but man, it's so great for him to finally live it up for himself, without strings attached. Long lost freedom, for both of us. :p

Great day. It's like a new sensation, a rebirth, after seeking for that feeling of self-ness again. Enlightment.

So I read a book about self-discovering that goes in-depth into knowing I-am-ness that seperates emotions, body and thoughts which explains a lot about why we can't find happiness. Now, i'm slowly letting it seep into my soul. Digesting it, hence reading it again.

Went out to jusco for dinner as well. Shared yogurt. I remembered there was a post of mine saying about self-inspection on emotions. It is actually one of the ways to realize the bigger me and seperate it from smaller me. May sound deep, but its actually so abundant and benefiting.

My friend's mother passed away, just got a text. Condolences.

Counting blessings. My jurulatih thanked me for my effort. My colleague helped me with the extra work im getting, without me asking. Kids accepting me as a friend, loving the environment. Eradicated so much negative thoughts effectively. Did everything almost emotionlessly in a good way. Embracing this new meaning. May it last. :)

Getting more than one complaint everyday. Today's theme is, i love u, stranger. Another girl in my class was blowing kisses and writing love letters to a boy next class. Then there's a cute thank you letter from my kid, i thanked her sincerely. Then theres a boy who is selling nasi lemak illegally in school. I asked my friend why, she said i was being too sceptical, and strict at times. I thought i was too liberal. There are so many things i can't let go. Difficult.

Spendthrift day again. Got myself 3 books from popular, although sleepy, still comes to starbucks for coffee. The windchimer songs are great in soothing my apocalyptic soul. Oh, i'm the lucky customer of the day too, with two free beverages within 2 weeks! LUCKY.

Hmm... Hoping my luck would uplift. Can't help to notice that things are really slowing down and unproductive these days.

I completed 5 stacks of exam papers, 3 more to go. Sweet. Yesterday's presentation was great as well. Did some sorting out with class money as well.had agreat session of qna with year 4 kids. Counting my accomplishments per day. Yelling to myself, cheer up, u over-achiever, compliment-sucker! Let go u neat freak.

Somemore work coming up. Getting my head into typing angka giliran and dance club. Also, gotta strive for my assignments and finals in this sem.

Another day.

It seems really hard to pass by days now. I make the girl that ran away go counseling with my housemate, because she is sick into tulang sumsum. Lies lies and lies. And my housemate is like, been there, done that.

Another case was during recess, i counseled a boy who wanted to commit suicide, tell lies as well. Both of them are the expats of the class. He cried and cried and cried saying his parents have a favorite child which is his brother.

My exams are all in next two weeks. I'm required to come back to school to supervise dance practice, so I get to study and finish me assignments in the holidays. However, I really doubt on anything she says because my gpk koko is really unreliable.

All this, and I talked to them about giving presents during teacher's day. We finally managed to come to agreement: their results, my present. The best way for me to come down of the ladder.

Presentation was great, inspiring they say. We are really happy we put in real effort. :)

I noticed a pattern lately. One by one, my colleaguea from disciplinary group are having a REALLY hard time. Me, im going through numerous problems at one go. Collecting money problems, kids discipline problems, lies from the kids, their upsr results, upsr nearing and gotta kick ass liao, after upsr, dance competition, assignments and exams and lotsa stuff. I can't wait for a new year, new semester to come.... As for my other colleagues, one is facing critics about her exam paper, one is facing the gb's prejudice against her, one is having cold war with the husband, one is being scolded by gpk for sone reason. It has been really tough for me, and if i were to be a candle, i would have been really BURNT OUT. When will that day come? No problems, no stress, just happiness?

Teachers day. Woke up LATE! Groggy and dizzy from sickness. Got my ass to school, helped with make-up for the modern dance kids.

Apparently this teacher got help from soooo many other teachers... Comparing to how i was two, three years ago- one person kick all shit.

Anyways, i received only puny ration of presents, not even one from my class. Wasn't even pissed off at all. Got them all from my subclass. Yeah, you can either be the devil or the angel, but you can choose to be one.

So there i am, savoring my little share of gifts, and returned to my room. Only to find out, my gifts were the few most among them. Lol the fate of being a strict and frugal one.

Sometimes, come to think of it, giving presents to teacher is an act of kiasuness. I never get angry or dissappinted if i don't get any. Instead i would feel weird if anyone gives me any. Cuz im so scary. Ya know.

I wonder to what extent do they hate me now. Till im down with flu, they must have cursed me like shit. However, my children from last year did wrote to me how they felt about me... First they thought i was letting out my anger on them, then realized i was just doing it for them. One day, they'll get it. One day.

Can't i get a little face for consolation here? In my own blog for fuck's sake.

Ok. Back from reality. It was a shitty april. Really shitty.

Anyways, ive come to a conclusion that i wouldn't give a fuck. To that student, to the grades, to the money that is nvr coming back. What i need to see is the future.

So sunday i went to a midnight marathon. Starts at 3am. Cool huh? Coooooolllll... Finished for 3 hours n 15 mins. Got cheers from the crowd at finishing point. Legs sore like anything. But its worth it. :) totally worth it. My first 21km.

Anyways, mom is going to let go of her daycare and relax dy. Hurray. Bro most probably continuing his work at subang. But thats a good thing.

I just will continue with my now extra work load life, standard 6 teacher, upsr su, intermediate class mentor, and tuition teacher... Plus holy shit lots of stuff, plus a upm graduate. And im actually learning to save so well after all this shit hit me (and swear a lot more apparently).