Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I felt nothing lately. Not a single nudge of motivation, not a tick of brilliant idea, all that fuels my head are wronged wronged wronged ways of mine and the kids.
No matter how reluctant I am, I felt the urgency of correcting a kid of their nuisance behavior. No matter how much I enjoy them having fun, I'll always be the one who is watching and ever-ready to give a spanking or a splash of cold-water. No matter how brilliant they are in their work, I feel the responsibility in constraining them in a box container.
Today I was rude to a teacher. Somethings just set me off. Headmaster wrote some wrong info on the billboard hence I was misguided, and later he spoke through the mic for me to attend to another class, but unfortunately I was not aware of. Another teacher came wailing in later saying that I ALWAYS miss a substitute class, and I burst out in the of the teachers room, saying 'I double checked with the headmaster! He said I didn't have a class!" And in the midst of that, another teacher came to confirm with me that my class was really and proven at that time at that place the teacher had stated. I stormed away feeling both ashamed and accused.
Later my kid gave some titbits to another teacher she adored, and it dawned to me that I'm not doing a good job at neither teaching them nor guiding them.
Another class of mine had said that the exam paper that I came out with is too much of a challenge for them to answer, whilst I've given all I have to teach them.
Then this afternoon, I overheard the dance teacher who gave her remarks on the low pay high maintenance class that she accused me of forcing her into doing it, but in reality she's the one who insisted in the class being extended and the fare being raised. She yelled at one of her colleagues furiously, but still haven't have the guts or wit to blurt it out in front of me. Waiting for me to suggest? Not a chance.
Other than that, I found out that some of my class kids has encountered financial problems due to the constant, and I mean constant collection of fees, and they are dreadful making me feel awful too.
Life is too much of a murky water here that going back home seems to be the only place that can clear my world up a little. I feel torn and tossed.
